Hemp Embassy :: Forum

2009-08-06

UNDACUVVA Streetbeat: July 09

ENTRAPMENT HAS NO BOUNDARIES IN OZ

"Undacuvva deeper" is what the Boss said. "Deep insertion girl", his exact words. It's one thing in theory but quite another when you are lying beneath a heaving, pumping, adrenalin filled young man while trying not to think about what the priest said at last weeks confession. And we should get payed more; special rates like the tacticle response dudes get. No wonder so many young Unda's end up as hookers getting real money for the job.

It's the sex that's keeping me at work I realised when I tried to quit last month. The testicle response unit they should call us. What else would keep me here? The adrenaline is endless. I could do without the weed, that's no big deal, I could always chop with the best of them, and pull more cones than most. One of the reasons I got the Nimbin job. I had to prove it to the Boss at the interview too, right there and then he pulled a bong out from unda his desk insisting on seeing me chop up. We pulled a couple of cones together on the spot, we're allowed to of course. "Ya gotta fit in like a koala up a gumtree in that feral hole Nimbin, op shop clothing only, no more than one shower a month, and throw away the hairbrush", he said. I'll never forget those words. "And free love girl, that's what the hippies expect". I always cheat on the showers, everyone does.

EXCALIBUR MOON DANCE

A certain WKTA (Well Known Tourist Attraction) has been well and truly conned and I don't feel good about the waste of resources. No one else in the department gave a shit though, so their beautiful, rugged and indestructible, recycled tin fence has gone, if you hadn't noticed. It didn't help the cause whoever sent emails to Ruddock with pictures of the "REFUGEES WELCOME" fence, either. He insisted it be replaced by a modern metal jailbars fence. (So we can see you, dummies!) However, no-one anticipated the new posts being pulled up out of the cement like Excalibur. I had to explain that a lot of the young fellows have given up the weed (such an easy bust) and they're into the 'roids in a big way now. I been telling the Bosses for ages, the harder you push the harder they get. Apparently it was a midnight session and the ensueing sword fight with the posts was a sight to behold, beneath the full moon in the middle of the rear carpark. It's on YouTube somewhere but I can't find it.

POLITE BUREAU OPENING

I've had to join the Polite Service, as I prefer to call it, and the HEMP Party, just so I can hang around my old friend the HempBar. Bloody hippies, they never give up do they? I've tried day after day to buy a deal in the old HempBar, or just get an assist like in the AFL, but they remain rock solid. “No worries, paper wraps rock”, says the Boss, "we'll get 'em in time". Same at all the other WKTA's, every day we have to record what's happenning, who's consorting, who's toking. I told him water wears away rock, but it takes thousands of years. He didn't get it, muttering something about scissors being the biggest selling item in the Nimbin supermarket. Do you believe that?

JAPANESE HORSE POLICE SCAMMED

Few people know that the Boss was so worried about the huge Japanese presence at MardiGrass that he called for help from the Tokyo cops, something about an old favour they owed him. These cops are used to “one joint = one years jail and no food for the first seven days”. They were asked to bring their own horses, but apparently several of the very rare Japanese horses, bred from ancient samurai bloodlines, escaped from the Brisbane airport quarantine paddock and 'dissapeared' much to the dismay of their owners. What infuriated them was that the case was not being treated as suspicious despite the horses being, "totally collectable and worth a small fortune." They refused to come to MardiGrass after that.

REDNECK RALLY RUSTED
Unda's assigned to watch the problematic Rally course were the highlight of the monthly Unda meeting. They reported major feral parties in the middle of the road after midnight. "Lit up like an airport, loud music and all," one report said. They apparently dug through the night, burying, you wont believe it, Kombies! Three of them buried under Williams Road, I heard talk on the street confirming it. The plan was to lock-on, arms deep in the middle of the road, handcuffed to the buried Kombies. We told the petrol heads and they altered the course of the rally, which secretly pissed off a lot of the meat eating hippies out that way who were looking forward to it I believe. It's a nightmare job, minding hundreds of kilometres of road, I'd rather do Cullen Street anyday.
Undercuvva Streetbeat July 2009
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